Smart Phones Bring User Intelligence Into Question

I was in a meeting last week with a client, and we were talking about new “apps.” Since I’ve never downloaded an app, and barely know what one is, I did what any professional would do. I nodded and pretended like I knew what he was talking about.

But my confidence was short-lived, as he decided to show me how to download one in particular, and on my own phone, no less. You can imagine my embarrassment as he reached over to study my cell phone, and broke out into barking laughter.

“This is what you use? How long have you had this, eight years?” As I tried to hide inside my Starbuck’s Grande, my face turned an attractive shade of watermelon, and I chuckled, “Well, yes, I’m due for a new one. And by the way, I’ve only had this for two years.” Ahem.

So off I went the very next day to the cell phone store. As I explained to my husband, “Honey, I can’t deny this century any longer. This mama is gettin’ back in the game.”

I knew I needed a Smart Phone, because everyone who knows anything about cell phones had told me so. And hey, if I’m investing in new technology, I’m not wasting money on an ignorant one. As I entered enemy territory, I boldly walked up to the counter and told the saleslady, “I’m ready to make an upgrade,” and I proudly slapped my flip-up down with a smack.

“Which one?” she inquired, as she devilishly lifted up her right eyebrow and smirked. I think she was on to me. I had to keep up the façade. “I just can’t decide. Why don’t you walk me through them and highlight the features.”

After listening to 14.2 minutes of descriptive features about cell phones, I closed my eyes and pointed. “I’ll take that one, and I want it in purple because I understand the importance of color.” This insight did not win her over.

Thirty minutes later, after putting up a second mortgage on my house and handing over my diamond bracelet, I was safely in my car and staring at the keypad. Now what?

I soon figured out why my new phone is called Smart. I had to pass an IQ test and undergo oral exams on my speaker phone before I was allowed to make a call. I flipped through the instruction book and saw nothing about having to provide proof of an advanced degree from MIT. Whew! And then my new phone began to talk.

“If you’d like to make a call, press pound, sing “God Bless America” and perform the first five minutes of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.” Huh? God Bless America is not in my range.

“To listen to new messages, please enter your password and recite the second chapter of The Iliad in Latin.” Darn. I took French in college. I’m doomed.

After three days of tutoring from my neighbor’s eighth-grader, I finally found out how to send a text message and access my email. I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest. I was so proud. Now if I can just figure out how to download an app!