Holidays, and Children of Divorce

Thanksgiving, religious holidays, birthdays, school day cancellations and summer vacations are eagerly anticipated by most children. For children of divorced parents, however, these times are often viewed with feelings of confusion, ambivalence, anger, and abandonment. Unless divorced parents have consciously and lovingly placed their children’s well-being above their own, their innocent children may dread “family” celebrations that do not include both parents. One parent “family” celebrations are often recurring reminders of the traumatic, life-altering moment when they were first told that mommy and daddy “fell out of love” and won’t be living together any more.

Too often, children of divorce feel that they are like the family pet when they are told, without discussion, when, where, and with whom they are going to be spending their free time. All children of divorce have been involuntarily subjected to something painful beyond their comprehension and beyond their control. When it comes to dividing their time with each parent,they may again feel helpless as they wonder with the next coming holiday, “Whose turn is it to have me?”

The unresolved marital battles of parents’ unhappy marriages can easily resurface when divorced parents seek equal time with their children. In hostile custody situations, the Court may order parents to see therapists or mediators to work out their differences. But, involving outsiders in personal family matters is time consuming, expensive, and rarely makes either party happy. Furthermore, it can be an additional cross for children to carry when they are, again, involuntarily taken to a counselor’s office and expected to share their feelings without hurting one of their loved parents.

Although divorcing parents often reassure their children that they will forever love them, the children may remember looking at their parents’ happy wedding pictures. They know that mommy and daddy made similar promises to each other a long time ago and now, for some inexplicable reason, they stopped loving each other. Children of divorce need frequent reassurances that they will always be loved by both parents, never abandoned, and that they are not the reason for the divorce. Gently, children of divorce also need to learn that their childhood fantasies of someday seeing daddy or mommy move back home will only happen in their dreams or in delightful wish-fulfilling movies such as “The Parent Trap.”

Children of divorce heal better when divorced parents choose to focus on the wounds of their children, instead of their own. What better affirmation can children experience than to know that even though mommy and daddy are now divorced, they would marry each other all over again just to have the wonderful children they have. So, too, may divorced parents always be guided by heart-felt images of their children when they are negotiating how much time they will share in loving, guiding, and cherishing their precious children.

Where there are children, there is a way. Happy Holidays.

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and clinical director of the Family Bonding and Attachment Center of Lennon & Associates, P.C.